what I've learned this month

This is from a book I've been reading. They are addressing things that cause conflict in relationships:

"A refusal to understand"

First Thess. 5:14 recognizes that to be at peace with everyone, we are called to understand their true hearts. Paul instructs his readers to respond to people as they really are at the heart level: And we urge you brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone." Paul describes how three types of individuals, all with different kinds of heart issues, are to be treated. (...) our love looks different as it is expressed to various people.

Women aren't always who they seem to be. What would happen if we seriously misunderstood someone? Suppose we helped a stressed out, overwhelmed woman who was actually idle? She would be encouraged to remain idle [quick insert from me: earlier the author describes how she has been idle by needing organization and being overwhelmed only because things did not go exactly as she had planned and she disliked being off-track]. What would happen if we encouraged a weak woman- even one who had not acknowledged she needed or wanted our help? She would remain weak, and probably grow discouraged because she would still continue to lack the resources she needed to solve her problems. What would happen if we warned a timid woman- even though she actually looked like she confidently "had it all together"? We would only increase her fear. Great harm occurs when we refuse to understand who a person is and respond appropriately."

-Tara Barthel and Judy Dabler

I feel this is a very, very, very important lesson for those of us acting as leaders, or even in friendships. I have felt it myself as I was continually warned and rebuked when in my heart I was fearful and timid and it made things so much worse. I know I've done this to dear friends before, too. Destroying them on accident, trying to help them when I never addressed the true problem. Sometimes I am just so quick to judge that I don't push further than the surface.

I've seen it in myself a lot when I try to help and encourage everyone- even girls who know they are being idle. I've witnessed so many destructive choices that I encouraged hurt my girls to the core of their hearts. Knowing that by encouraging their idolatry of whatever (most of the time it's school work, boys, or business) I am being disobedient definitely puts a new perspective on my responses.

Please friends, seek to know the heart. With Jesus who knows all hearts living in us, it may not be as hard as it seems.