A battle

In my mind, there's a battle. It didn't always rage like it has recently, but I think it's always been there... I'm one of those people. One who think very deeply about my heart motives. One who really find the deep, deep parts of souls the most interesting. I can't seem to get past it sometimes. I can't just make a set of steps to reach a goal. I get stuck in the "deep thinking" section, analyzing my emotions and the emotions of others. It's a really scary place to be if you don't know how to navigate it. And I have found out that I really, really, really don't know how to navigate it.

I am so stuck in understanding mode right now that I feel as if I cannot proceed. It feels as if steps to the end goal can't be made until I understand how the deep soul processes of all the world can be laid out. So I'm idling. Making time pass with interesting, but totally meaningless things.

I know that being eternally-minded means that I need to do both. I need to be able to find a path and go with it while understanding and considering souls.

It bothers me that I can't do this. But I don't understand how to fix it. I get too stuck in my mind which feels like a whirlpool of philosophy and puzzles and humanity and doctrine. I try to consider what Jesus would do, but I can't form a practical solution. Or I am very impractical in my solutions and then when they fail I am still very lost.

I get stuck on boundaries mostly. Grace vs mercy vs love vs justice? Holiness vs purity? Satan vs God? Honoring and respecting elders vs obeying the Lord? Accountability vs not causing dissension? I feel like all of these huge issues that I will NEVER understand are constantly blocking my ability to be free. They are confusing. And our Father is not a father of confusion.

If you are reading, you can pray that I will understand how to fix this problem and how to be free. Because it is for freedom Christ set us free, and I don't want to waste one more moment being a slave to my own silly mind.

and the end of the story

Well folks, nothing really came up! I do have to take antibiotics for nine months and see a doctor every month and go back to two doctors in three months, but basically, we have no clue about what's up.

So now, I'm trying to decide whether school will be too much for me or not this semester...

however, it's good news for you guys since that means you wouldn't have gotten tb from me :) I have no sign of active infection, just the positive test that I am infected... but that doesn't mean too much. Just that they will keep an eye on me!

whatevs, I'd hold HIV positive orphans tomorrow if I could

This was quite the amusing day!

All my tests were negative, except that my TB test came back positive! So... yay? Maybe that gives us some answers.

So what does that mean? It means that at some point I was exposed to TB, presumably in Ghana, Honduras, or Panama, and my body made antibodies against the infection.

I suppose it is within the realm of possibility that I was infected in Honduras (which is eighth on the list of "most tuberculosis burdened nations") because I got some sort of bronchitis in December of my freshman year of college and they said on the X ray there was a nodule on my lung. This is reminiscent of TB for sure! But it went away with antibiotics.

It is not unusual for TB to reoccur in other organs of the body if it was not treated thoroughly when the infection presented. If I do have TB, it is somewhere other than my lungs, and could be causing all my problems!

Although if I do have TB, I'm pretty sure all hell breaks loose. The CDC comes. I get quarantined. Everyone I have ever known gets tested for it. Could be very messy.

And if I do have TB somewhere in my body, it is very hard to cure. I'd be on antibiotics for like, ever. But I guess better than never knowing?

But like I said. When this is over, I'm so going back to hold the beautiful, adorable, tuberculosis-harboring orphans. They were awesome.

Elizabeth

well...

Hello friends and family! Thanks for tracking with me! I know you are all praying and it means alot.

Tomorrow I go back for my last test, but I plan on asking for more if that one proves to be inconclusive. Let's pray pray PRAY that it will be the one to show something... it's the easiest one to fix! And the safest!

Still processing what the safest decision post-mayo is if they can't figure it out either. Not sure if school is the best choice, but I also can't really hold a job at this point. So... we're still praying. If it were up to me and my wisdom (HA!) I would hope that these last two test show something because otherwise I have absolutely no clue how to proceed.

Some people have commented that it must be scary or hard because nothing is set in stone. However, I am actually not scared of not knowing... I am just scared of never knowing because it's so hard for others to understand. Me and God have gone through some intense learning about His justice and methods of healing, and now we're just working on letting Him do that for the friends who have to deal with this problem by extension.

So! You can pray real hard on your knees tonight that the test are positive that they have run!! And you can also pray that I will have wisdom in how I deal with the problem and how to help others deal with my problem without hiding it.

Love you all!

Elizabeth

the third day

Well, I guess I have some choices to make...

I had some appointments yesterday- infectious disease (for africa problems), a blood test and another test for a hormone secreting tumor, a repeat MRI because my last one showed a problem in my pituitary gland, a headache specialist, an eeg (for epilepsy), and then I went back to my original doctor.

There are still two tests processing... the other MRI and the hormone test. I also have test on monday to see if I have hormone problems going on.

Basically, when I met with the doctor again, he said "I give up! It's not your fault, it's ours. We should just treat the POTS and then everything else may work out. We can just give it some time." So there's really nothing else I can do to figure out what is going on.

I have to decide whether I can logistically go back to school or what the next move is. I'm thinking as of now that I will A. pray really, really hard that one of those last test will show the problem and B. ask him to do some other things of my own investigation because I can't really just wait it out... I need to know!

So it's frustrating even though I know God is doing something. I just wish He would tell one of my doctors what He's doing because then I could have a diagnosis.

That's all for day three though! Only one day left.

the second day!

Not much to tell today, but I'm not allowed to sleep tonight so they can test for seizures. So... that's interesting. I saw a postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome guy today and it was frustrating. He gave me the "eat salt, drink water, exercise, raise the head of your bed" speech. I have some more tests to go, but it looks like I will be back around next wednesday or so unless something extreme happens in the next day or two.

I'm not too sure how I feel about it... I was hoping they would tell me stuff I didn't already know. But hopefully there is something else still waiting to be discovered.

Tomorrow I have six appointments, so you never know.

Update numero uno

Hello friends! This is your update about what I know so far.

I met with my doctor this morning and he was super nice. He said he didn't know what was going on, but he scheduled me like a million appointments in the next two days... which is good because they are trying really hard to help me!

All the staff here are abnormally nice. They are all helpful, friendly and really caring.

I had some blood tests and an autonomic test today (previous diagnosis was dysautonomia- specially p.o.t.s, but the neurologist said he wasn't sure).

So it was really embarrassing but really helpful... during my tilt test (they make you stand up) my heart started racing, I started crying five minutes in, got sweaty confused and my blood pressure dropped and i couldn't walk straight or breathe and they had to help me walk out of the testing place.

This is a good thing because this happened all the time to emily and I in the dorms (where she'd see it and and have to help me) but we could never replicate it or explain it to the doctors. So now they saw it for themselves and they have it all on record THANK THE LORD!

But it was super embarrassing. It always is!

That's all for now!