I've heard you! I promise! Here's your health update.
I'm doing fine. Good, actually! Surprisingly well, in fact. So yay!
I'm still taking a host of medications, but this time, they're all working! I think whatever cocktail they create works to keep everything together! I've been getting IV Saline too, but I think I'm going to stop that now. It helps, but I don't know if it's worth the time I give up to get it.
No hospitals, no chest pain, no fainting, no altered mental status... there are times when I get tired or forget a dose of something and then things get harder again, but overall, I've been fabuloso.
So, as for the previously discussed topic, I'm still researching. I know most of you out there have had things in the past that are way more difficult than the things I'm dealing with now, so I have no doubt you'll give good advice.
And by the way, I wanted to say that I am actually doing really well. Mostly attributed to the God-given gift of a dear friend, Lindsay. She's been there for me through my moments when everyone else left. I've been happy, and I've been doing good in school, and I even found a new sister in Christ! The angels are dancin in heaven! Things are going good.
I've been working on my anger and giving things to the Lord. And when I'm upset and I feel those gashes inside me aching, I've learned to weep with the Lord. He never leaves or laughs or yells at you for being sad. He weeps with you. He says the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with cries and moans our minds can't even conceive. Then, I read some Truth. Then, I wake up the next morning. His mercy is new. Life moves forward.
I know things will be good again. I don't know why I know, but I do. He's saying I'll look back and understand how these things have shaped me, and it won't hurt so much anymore. I believe that. That's why I know He's there in the midst of this, even though I'll never know why this had to happen. I said He could have my life, and I meant it. So onward, soldiers! What have we to lose?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
how to deal with past pain
This is my 30th post! Crazy!
It's spring break! Spring break means a lot to me these days. It means a much-needed school holiday, sometimes exotic destinations (okay, not really, but I'd like to believe that), and in recent years, the week in which God reminds me He hasn't left.
Sound dumb?
It may.
But it's true :) I don't know what it is about school, but all the really awful things in my life come to a climax right before spring break, then things get better. When I think of the past two years at this time, I was a complete and total wreck. I think I cried everyday of both of those breaks. This year, it isn't that bad! Progress!
But in any case, the question remains, how on earth do I deal with the pain of the past? For a while, my brain could shut it out. I couldn't deal with it. It hurt too much. But nowadays, it sneaks up me. My mind wanders back to those days when I was too sad to even get up. I cried out to the Lord to just let me die because nothing could ever be okay again after so much pain. I wished I could just lay down and never get up again. Even glimpses of that pain make me want to rip my heart out... I can't even imagine going through those things again. Pain so unbearable that I couldn't describe it in a million years. So much that I was happy when I was in excruciating physical pain, because heart attacks are less painful than that much heartbreak. And I was doing it alone- everyone chose to leave except for Jesus. My mind flickers to times when I lay on my face screaming, begging the Father to help me.
I quickly pull myself back. Whatever is true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. But unfortunately for me, the glory of The Most High God shines right through my pain. He brought me out of that state. He is worthy of massive amounts of praise because I honestly thought the only way to get out of that was to die. I seriously thought the absolute only way out was death. But you know what?
DEATH HAS LOST ITS GRIP ON ME.
God saved me. He will again. He always will. He's so much stronger than evil. So that verse applies here- thinking about those things is thinking about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.
But how to deal with all that? All the darkness... the nightmares... the bondage...
How do you do it?
I will update again as soon as I've begun to figure things out.
So far, all I know is that God is stronger, and that reading the bible brings me peace. Also, that loving others and sharing the gospel revamps my love of salvation and understanding of how freakin awesome His love for us is, and that makes everything better :)
I'll meditate on this and give you my thoughts. Meanwhile, though I doubt any of you will actually write on this site, you can share your thoughts if you are so inclined. Or you can tell me in person, because that seems to work better for most of you!
It's spring break! Spring break means a lot to me these days. It means a much-needed school holiday, sometimes exotic destinations (okay, not really, but I'd like to believe that), and in recent years, the week in which God reminds me He hasn't left.
Sound dumb?
It may.
But it's true :) I don't know what it is about school, but all the really awful things in my life come to a climax right before spring break, then things get better. When I think of the past two years at this time, I was a complete and total wreck. I think I cried everyday of both of those breaks. This year, it isn't that bad! Progress!
But in any case, the question remains, how on earth do I deal with the pain of the past? For a while, my brain could shut it out. I couldn't deal with it. It hurt too much. But nowadays, it sneaks up me. My mind wanders back to those days when I was too sad to even get up. I cried out to the Lord to just let me die because nothing could ever be okay again after so much pain. I wished I could just lay down and never get up again. Even glimpses of that pain make me want to rip my heart out... I can't even imagine going through those things again. Pain so unbearable that I couldn't describe it in a million years. So much that I was happy when I was in excruciating physical pain, because heart attacks are less painful than that much heartbreak. And I was doing it alone- everyone chose to leave except for Jesus. My mind flickers to times when I lay on my face screaming, begging the Father to help me.
I quickly pull myself back. Whatever is true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. But unfortunately for me, the glory of The Most High God shines right through my pain. He brought me out of that state. He is worthy of massive amounts of praise because I honestly thought the only way to get out of that was to die. I seriously thought the absolute only way out was death. But you know what?
DEATH HAS LOST ITS GRIP ON ME.
God saved me. He will again. He always will. He's so much stronger than evil. So that verse applies here- thinking about those things is thinking about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.
But how to deal with all that? All the darkness... the nightmares... the bondage...
How do you do it?
I will update again as soon as I've begun to figure things out.
So far, all I know is that God is stronger, and that reading the bible brings me peace. Also, that loving others and sharing the gospel revamps my love of salvation and understanding of how freakin awesome His love for us is, and that makes everything better :)
I'll meditate on this and give you my thoughts. Meanwhile, though I doubt any of you will actually write on this site, you can share your thoughts if you are so inclined. Or you can tell me in person, because that seems to work better for most of you!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Dreamer
I am a dreamer. By that, I mean that I have vivid dreams that I remember in the morning.
It's always been that way. If I was very focused on something- worried, excited, scared- I would dream about it. And of course there are those crazy dreams that happen now and again.
But for the past year I have been dreaming a ton! Almost every night! It is a side effect of one of my medications. Sometimes they are just bizarre, and sometimes they are a fascinating glance into my subconscious. It's strange how much I can hide in there without even knowing it!
I thought I would share some of my dreams and interpretations with all of you.
Keep in mind, these are products of my mind, not messages from God. Which is why they're always about me :) Selfish dreams!
First reoccurring concept: romance
"Typical," you are thinking. For me, though, this is not typical. I am incredibly surprised everytime I have one of these dreams, and it doesn't happen often. After being in a relationship where I struggled a lot, my mind puts up blocks in my thoughts such as, "I'm not made to love like that" or "I don't want that type of relationship" or "that type of love doesn't actually exist, males just use women to satisfy themselves and women are dumb and fall for it". So when I dream that I'm in love it surprises me that I'm capable of thinking that way, that my heart wants that somewhere deep inside, and that I believe men can show true love towards women. I am so glad God allowed me to see that in myself!
Second reoccurring concept: being unforgivable
This one is much more in sync with my current circumstances. I have this nightmare a lot. A lot. I wake up weeping, or sometimes yelling "I don't know what I did!" It truly, truly haunted me for a while. It is the biggest lie I contend with right now.
This is how it goes-- in some sort of school setting, sometimes in the dorms, sometimes just during classes, various people are angry with me. I begin to beg these people to tell me what I've done so I can fix it. They say something like "No. You know what you did. I will never forgive you." and I cry and cry. Then usually, I run after them begging them to just tell me why. I've had dreams where I even throw a fit... banging my fists and feet against the ground like a two-year-old, just screaming that I don't know what I've done. Then, either I wake up screaming I don't know what I've done, or I dream about passing out, which is concept three!
This really helped me sort out the problems I was having a little while ago. I couldn't figure out why I was so sad and why I was so angry with myself. After having these nightmares, I realized that this is what my subconscious is feeling. Inside, I am so frustrated I want to throw a tantrum and scream and cry and hit things. I really wanted to know why I was unforgivable. I didn't even know what I had done to begin with. This was weighing on my soul. I was very thankful to be able to pinpoint where I really needed to hear truth. I don't wake up screaming anymore.
Reoccurring concept three: being trapped.
I realize these are all so sad, but just hold on.
I don't remember much about last year. I am very thankful for that. It's like it was a story someone told me- a terrible, horrible story with a beautiful ending. But it is my story. I'm just not ready to face all of it yet, I guess.
When I was very sick during the last semester, I was never really functioning mentally. I don't remember any of those times because the blood wasn't reaching my brain enough which is why I was confused and semi-awake. But anyways, I guess part of me saw what happened, because sometimes pieces of that story come up in my dreams.
I dream about getting so worked up that I pass out, and then waking up but not being able to tell anyone what I need or what I feel. I watch them deliberate about what to do with me and how to treat me and I'm trying so, so, so hard to just say one word to let them know I'm awake, but I can't and then I pass out again and wake up somewhere new, usually a hospital. This happened to me a lot so I'm not surprised I dream about it.
I don't think about that last subject. I don't want to carry the weight of fear with me everywhere. To think that at any moment I could be trapped in my own body is too scary. Not to be able to say anything--trying with everything I have in me--screaming--shrieking-- but all within my soul. I can't move. I can't let them know I exist.
It scares me because I am starting to remember how hard it was to face that almost everyday. It's horrifying. And there are people who deal with that every minute of their lives. But that's one dream I truly dislike. I don't want to remember that. I want it to fade away, like a distant memory, barely visible anymore, with no pain attached to it. I don't want to remember that it could still happen tomorrow. I don't want to remember that the people who surround me now are the same ones who had to carry me to the emergency room a multitude of times just one year ago.
So I shrug it off, although my heart beats nervously for a while, and pretend it is as silly as a dream about being chased by dinosaurs (you know who you are). Maybe if I pretend it wasn't real, I won't have to remember. At least not right now.
Fourth reoccurring concept: joy
Most of the time, my dreams are silly, fun, and filled with joy. There are friends and love and everyone is happy. God has truly blessed me. He gives me those times of rest. I don't want you to think I only dream about terrible things, because it's not true! I have lots of fun with my dreams. There is usually food too... don't know what that means.
Anyways, in case you were ever wondering about my dream life, that is far more detail than you ever wanted. School is great, health is great, roommates are great. Life is going great! The new treatments are working fabulously and I have a wonderful new bible study. Thanks for tracking with me!
Sweet dreams!
It's always been that way. If I was very focused on something- worried, excited, scared- I would dream about it. And of course there are those crazy dreams that happen now and again.
But for the past year I have been dreaming a ton! Almost every night! It is a side effect of one of my medications. Sometimes they are just bizarre, and sometimes they are a fascinating glance into my subconscious. It's strange how much I can hide in there without even knowing it!
I thought I would share some of my dreams and interpretations with all of you.
Keep in mind, these are products of my mind, not messages from God. Which is why they're always about me :) Selfish dreams!
First reoccurring concept: romance
"Typical," you are thinking. For me, though, this is not typical. I am incredibly surprised everytime I have one of these dreams, and it doesn't happen often. After being in a relationship where I struggled a lot, my mind puts up blocks in my thoughts such as, "I'm not made to love like that" or "I don't want that type of relationship" or "that type of love doesn't actually exist, males just use women to satisfy themselves and women are dumb and fall for it". So when I dream that I'm in love it surprises me that I'm capable of thinking that way, that my heart wants that somewhere deep inside, and that I believe men can show true love towards women. I am so glad God allowed me to see that in myself!
Second reoccurring concept: being unforgivable
This one is much more in sync with my current circumstances. I have this nightmare a lot. A lot. I wake up weeping, or sometimes yelling "I don't know what I did!" It truly, truly haunted me for a while. It is the biggest lie I contend with right now.
This is how it goes-- in some sort of school setting, sometimes in the dorms, sometimes just during classes, various people are angry with me. I begin to beg these people to tell me what I've done so I can fix it. They say something like "No. You know what you did. I will never forgive you." and I cry and cry. Then usually, I run after them begging them to just tell me why. I've had dreams where I even throw a fit... banging my fists and feet against the ground like a two-year-old, just screaming that I don't know what I've done. Then, either I wake up screaming I don't know what I've done, or I dream about passing out, which is concept three!
This really helped me sort out the problems I was having a little while ago. I couldn't figure out why I was so sad and why I was so angry with myself. After having these nightmares, I realized that this is what my subconscious is feeling. Inside, I am so frustrated I want to throw a tantrum and scream and cry and hit things. I really wanted to know why I was unforgivable. I didn't even know what I had done to begin with. This was weighing on my soul. I was very thankful to be able to pinpoint where I really needed to hear truth. I don't wake up screaming anymore.
Reoccurring concept three: being trapped.
I realize these are all so sad, but just hold on.
I don't remember much about last year. I am very thankful for that. It's like it was a story someone told me- a terrible, horrible story with a beautiful ending. But it is my story. I'm just not ready to face all of it yet, I guess.
When I was very sick during the last semester, I was never really functioning mentally. I don't remember any of those times because the blood wasn't reaching my brain enough which is why I was confused and semi-awake. But anyways, I guess part of me saw what happened, because sometimes pieces of that story come up in my dreams.
I dream about getting so worked up that I pass out, and then waking up but not being able to tell anyone what I need or what I feel. I watch them deliberate about what to do with me and how to treat me and I'm trying so, so, so hard to just say one word to let them know I'm awake, but I can't and then I pass out again and wake up somewhere new, usually a hospital. This happened to me a lot so I'm not surprised I dream about it.
I don't think about that last subject. I don't want to carry the weight of fear with me everywhere. To think that at any moment I could be trapped in my own body is too scary. Not to be able to say anything--trying with everything I have in me--screaming--shrieking-- but all within my soul. I can't move. I can't let them know I exist.
It scares me because I am starting to remember how hard it was to face that almost everyday. It's horrifying. And there are people who deal with that every minute of their lives. But that's one dream I truly dislike. I don't want to remember that. I want it to fade away, like a distant memory, barely visible anymore, with no pain attached to it. I don't want to remember that it could still happen tomorrow. I don't want to remember that the people who surround me now are the same ones who had to carry me to the emergency room a multitude of times just one year ago.
So I shrug it off, although my heart beats nervously for a while, and pretend it is as silly as a dream about being chased by dinosaurs (you know who you are). Maybe if I pretend it wasn't real, I won't have to remember. At least not right now.
Fourth reoccurring concept: joy
Most of the time, my dreams are silly, fun, and filled with joy. There are friends and love and everyone is happy. God has truly blessed me. He gives me those times of rest. I don't want you to think I only dream about terrible things, because it's not true! I have lots of fun with my dreams. There is usually food too... don't know what that means.
Anyways, in case you were ever wondering about my dream life, that is far more detail than you ever wanted. School is great, health is great, roommates are great. Life is going great! The new treatments are working fabulously and I have a wonderful new bible study. Thanks for tracking with me!
Sweet dreams!
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