Simplicity as an aspect of holiness Part 1

2 Corinthians 1:12-13

Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not according to worldly wisdom but according to God’s grace. For we do not write you anything you cannot read or understand.

It stands to reason that those using worldly knowledge feel that their ways are not simple or easily understood. I see this in many religions and ways of life. In the religion of Islam, one must know Arabic to truly understand the Quran. The eightfold path leads to enlightenment, a secretive knowledge that you must work very hard for. Scholars and scientists earn their way to the top of the totem by studying extremely hard.

Paul says that the people in Corinth will know that they conduct themselves in a holy and sincere way without worldly knowledge because they can read and understand his letters.

I would like to examine why simplicity is holy.

In the King James Version, the verse says in simplicity rather than in holiness. The Greek translated by strong is: singleness, simplicity, sincerity, mental honesty; a) the virtue of one who is free from pretense and hypocrisy 2) not self-seeking, openness of heart manifesting itself by generosity.

This seems like a great definition of humility to me. One who is free of pretense and hypocrisy, one who is open and honest. It also seems like a sort of innocence, as you would see in a bluntly honest young child. Although holy is a hard term to define as one cannot capture a hardly-understood virtue with linguistics, one way to define it would be a sort of innocence- not in the sense that it is naive or blind, per say, but in the sense that to be holy, you are pure, blameless and set apart. In other words- you haven’t gotten your hands dirty, and you have done so intentionally. But not in a legalistic way, a way that points out how clean you are, but in a way that is not self-seeking. It may not even occur to the honest young child that there is something to be gained in pointing out a truth, a holy person is holy by nature. They abstain simply because that is who they are and don’t think anything of it.

If it is true that a crucial aspect of holiness is simplicity, than the church has a lot to learn. We often act as if you must be some special person to understand the gospel. We separate the experienced from the new believers because they aren’t on the same level. And while that is a reality- Paul says some Christians are ready for meat while other must drink milk first- I’m not sure weeding out the baby Christians is in line with this passage of Corinthians. If we are speaking about the gospel in ways they cannot understand, and these letters that Paul says everyone can understand, then we are doing something very wrong.

Paul says that it is a symbol of their godly wisdom, or as the NIV puts it- “not with fleshly wisdom but by the grace of God” that everyone gets what they talk about. Does it not follow that if those around us are too inexperienced to comprehend our messages, than we are relying on our worldy wisdom rather than on God’s grace to teach them?

okay, okay!

I've heard you! I promise! Here's your health update.

I'm doing fine. Good, actually! Surprisingly well, in fact. So yay!

I'm still taking a host of medications, but this time, they're all working! I think whatever cocktail they create works to keep everything together! I've been getting IV Saline too, but I think I'm going to stop that now. It helps, but I don't know if it's worth the time I give up to get it.

No hospitals, no chest pain, no fainting, no altered mental status... there are times when I get tired or forget a dose of something and then things get harder again, but overall, I've been fabuloso.

So, as for the previously discussed topic, I'm still researching. I know most of you out there have had things in the past that are way more difficult than the things I'm dealing with now, so I have no doubt you'll give good advice.

And by the way, I wanted to say that I am actually doing really well. Mostly attributed to the God-given gift of a dear friend, Lindsay. She's been there for me through my moments when everyone else left. I've been happy, and I've been doing good in school, and I even found a new sister in Christ! The angels are dancin in heaven! Things are going good.

I've been working on my anger and giving things to the Lord. And when I'm upset and I feel those gashes inside me aching, I've learned to weep with the Lord. He never leaves or laughs or yells at you for being sad. He weeps with you. He says the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with cries and moans our minds can't even conceive. Then, I read some Truth. Then, I wake up the next morning. His mercy is new. Life moves forward.

I know things will be good again. I don't know why I know, but I do. He's saying I'll look back and understand how these things have shaped me, and it won't hurt so much anymore. I believe that. That's why I know He's there in the midst of this, even though I'll never know why this had to happen. I said He could have my life, and I meant it. So onward, soldiers! What have we to lose?

how to deal with past pain

This is my 30th post! Crazy!

It's spring break! Spring break means a lot to me these days. It means a much-needed school holiday, sometimes exotic destinations (okay, not really, but I'd like to believe that), and in recent years, the week in which God reminds me He hasn't left.

Sound dumb?

It may.

But it's true :) I don't know what it is about school, but all the really awful things in my life come to a climax right before spring break, then things get better. When I think of the past two years at this time, I was a complete and total wreck. I think I cried everyday of both of those breaks. This year, it isn't that bad! Progress!

But in any case, the question remains, how on earth do I deal with the pain of the past? For a while, my brain could shut it out. I couldn't deal with it. It hurt too much. But nowadays, it sneaks up me. My mind wanders back to those days when I was too sad to even get up. I cried out to the Lord to just let me die because nothing could ever be okay again after so much pain. I wished I could just lay down and never get up again. Even glimpses of that pain make me want to rip my heart out... I can't even imagine going through those things again. Pain so unbearable that I couldn't describe it in a million years. So much that I was happy when I was in excruciating physical pain, because heart attacks are less painful than that much heartbreak. And I was doing it alone- everyone chose to leave except for Jesus. My mind flickers to times when I lay on my face screaming, begging the Father to help me.

I quickly pull myself back. Whatever is true, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. But unfortunately for me, the glory of The Most High God shines right through my pain. He brought me out of that state. He is worthy of massive amounts of praise because I honestly thought the only way to get out of that was to die. I seriously thought the absolute only way out was death. But you know what?

DEATH HAS LOST ITS GRIP ON ME.

God saved me. He will again. He always will. He's so much stronger than evil. So that verse applies here- thinking about those things is thinking about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.

But how to deal with all that? All the darkness... the nightmares... the bondage...

How do you do it?

I will update again as soon as I've begun to figure things out.

So far, all I know is that God is stronger, and that reading the bible brings me peace. Also, that loving others and sharing the gospel revamps my love of salvation and understanding of how freakin awesome His love for us is, and that makes everything better :)

I'll meditate on this and give you my thoughts. Meanwhile, though I doubt any of you will actually write on this site, you can share your thoughts if you are so inclined. Or you can tell me in person, because that seems to work better for most of you!

Dreamer

I am a dreamer. By that, I mean that I have vivid dreams that I remember in the morning.

It's always been that way. If I was very focused on something- worried, excited, scared- I would dream about it. And of course there are those crazy dreams that happen now and again.

But for the past year I have been dreaming a ton! Almost every night! It is a side effect of one of my medications. Sometimes they are just bizarre, and sometimes they are a fascinating glance into my subconscious. It's strange how much I can hide in there without even knowing it!

I thought I would share some of my dreams and interpretations with all of you.

Keep in mind, these are products of my mind, not messages from God. Which is why they're always about me :) Selfish dreams!

First reoccurring concept: romance
"Typical," you are thinking. For me, though, this is not typical. I am incredibly surprised everytime I have one of these dreams, and it doesn't happen often. After being in a relationship where I struggled a lot, my mind puts up blocks in my thoughts such as, "I'm not made to love like that" or "I don't want that type of relationship" or "that type of love doesn't actually exist, males just use women to satisfy themselves and women are dumb and fall for it". So when I dream that I'm in love it surprises me that I'm capable of thinking that way, that my heart wants that somewhere deep inside, and that I believe men can show true love towards women. I am so glad God allowed me to see that in myself!

Second reoccurring concept: being unforgivable
This one is much more in sync with my current circumstances. I have this nightmare a lot. A lot. I wake up weeping, or sometimes yelling "I don't know what I did!" It truly, truly haunted me for a while. It is the biggest lie I contend with right now.

This is how it goes-- in some sort of school setting, sometimes in the dorms, sometimes just during classes, various people are angry with me. I begin to beg these people to tell me what I've done so I can fix it. They say something like "No. You know what you did. I will never forgive you." and I cry and cry. Then usually, I run after them begging them to just tell me why. I've had dreams where I even throw a fit... banging my fists and feet against the ground like a two-year-old, just screaming that I don't know what I've done. Then, either I wake up screaming I don't know what I've done, or I dream about passing out, which is concept three!

This really helped me sort out the problems I was having a little while ago. I couldn't figure out why I was so sad and why I was so angry with myself. After having these nightmares, I realized that this is what my subconscious is feeling. Inside, I am so frustrated I want to throw a tantrum and scream and cry and hit things. I really wanted to know why I was unforgivable. I didn't even know what I had done to begin with. This was weighing on my soul. I was very thankful to be able to pinpoint where I really needed to hear truth. I don't wake up screaming anymore.

Reoccurring concept three: being trapped.
I realize these are all so sad, but just hold on.

I don't remember much about last year. I am very thankful for that. It's like it was a story someone told me- a terrible, horrible story with a beautiful ending. But it is my story. I'm just not ready to face all of it yet, I guess.

When I was very sick during the last semester, I was never really functioning mentally. I don't remember any of those times because the blood wasn't reaching my brain enough which is why I was confused and semi-awake. But anyways, I guess part of me saw what happened, because sometimes pieces of that story come up in my dreams.

I dream about getting so worked up that I pass out, and then waking up but not being able to tell anyone what I need or what I feel. I watch them deliberate about what to do with me and how to treat me and I'm trying so, so, so hard to just say one word to let them know I'm awake, but I can't and then I pass out again and wake up somewhere new, usually a hospital. This happened to me a lot so I'm not surprised I dream about it.

I don't think about that last subject. I don't want to carry the weight of fear with me everywhere. To think that at any moment I could be trapped in my own body is too scary. Not to be able to say anything--trying with everything I have in me--screaming--shrieking-- but all within my soul. I can't move. I can't let them know I exist.

It scares me because I am starting to remember how hard it was to face that almost everyday. It's horrifying. And there are people who deal with that every minute of their lives. But that's one dream I truly dislike. I don't want to remember that. I want it to fade away, like a distant memory, barely visible anymore, with no pain attached to it. I don't want to remember that it could still happen tomorrow. I don't want to remember that the people who surround me now are the same ones who had to carry me to the emergency room a multitude of times just one year ago.

So I shrug it off, although my heart beats nervously for a while, and pretend it is as silly as a dream about being chased by dinosaurs (you know who you are). Maybe if I pretend it wasn't real, I won't have to remember. At least not right now.

Fourth reoccurring concept: joy
Most of the time, my dreams are silly, fun, and filled with joy. There are friends and love and everyone is happy. God has truly blessed me. He gives me those times of rest. I don't want you to think I only dream about terrible things, because it's not true! I have lots of fun with my dreams. There is usually food too... don't know what that means.

Anyways, in case you were ever wondering about my dream life, that is far more detail than you ever wanted. School is great, health is great, roommates are great. Life is going great! The new treatments are working fabulously and I have a wonderful new bible study. Thanks for tracking with me!

Sweet dreams!

yeah, I'm behind

Just realized I never updated you guys about the last mayo clinic/doctor visit!!

I guess there really isn't too much to say about it. He was wonderful, nice and answered all my questions, as usual. I've seen him before. I started two new medications. And I will now get IV therapy up to two times a week! Which is exciting!

I asked him for that last treatment... it works very well for dysautonomia but they would rather give you meds than have you come to a clinic for IVs. But fortunately I didn't have to beg him, he gave me what I wanted! Mom says I should have asked him for a handicapped sticker for my car since he was in a giving mood :-P

Getting things set up in Eau Claire has been quite a journey. Love the school but the doctors seem to have absolutely zero ideas about what to do with me! Student health services said they won't do the therapy for me because heart problems are too scary :) So I tried to set it up at the "chronic care" clinic (SHS called them to help me set it up) and they won't do it unless I have a local doctor.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have SO MANY DOCTORS! I told the lady I didn't want anymore and I already see my primary Dr. at least once a month, but apparently it must be done this way.

Whatevs. As long as I can eventually set it up!

Every person I've talked to so far in EC has said they don't know what POTS or dysautonomia is. I think if they knew it would be easier for them to just let me get my stinkin IVS... I promise I won't have a heart attack!

Got my disability papers all checked out so I can miss classes! :-D I'm taking 12 credits. So either I'll be barely alive (like last year) or I'll be bored out of my mind!! But no class on fridays! woopwoop!

Nothing else going on doctor-wise for a long, long time! (well, important things anyways). Six months for mayo and a couple months for cardio and every few weeks for TB testing which is no big deal... it's the end of a crazy, crazy road!

So you can pray that I don't tweak out at college... emotionally or physically... that I don't have weird unconscious/ bizarro spells, chest pain, fainting spells, or any other really scary issues. I have my own room with a door now, so at least I won't be in the ER as much :oD

I think that's it!

I'll update you guys if exciting/ horrifying things happen.

Thanks for tracking with me through all this, you've all meant so much to me.

Love,
Eli

an update

Hello friends and family,

I wanted to tell you how things have been lately. Things, as always, have been good and bad at the same time.

The good: I'm still signed up for classes, and although I will probably drop one because I don't think my heart could handle full-time classes, it looks like I will try to go. I went to Mayo and they did a certain kind of test where they look inside me for anything wrong with a camera on a rope! It wasn't terribly pleasant, but it only hurt a bit and I'm not traumatized, so yay! They didn't see anything, so that's good too. I've been feeling alright lately, as long as I only do one thing a day and give myself time to rest.

The not as good: I am a bit frustrated that the docs down at mayo don't have more options for me. I was actually hoping the test would show something so I could get going on being better. But as it turns out, they don't know why it's happening and they don't have a non-invasive way to fix it. This makes me sad sometimes, because I wish there was some treatment we could at least attempt so I would feel like we are doing something.

Another not as good thing is that I'm still having trouble gaining weight. This is one of the most frustrating parts because I try so hard, but usually it's one step forward and two steps back. I'm scared I will diminish into nothing before they can figure out why nothing sticks to me! :-/ I had to buy my first pair of 00 jeans the other day (and while they were a great deal and are really nice) there were a lot of tears because I can't believe it's come to this.


I think that's all the happy-crappies I have for now ;-)

I go back to mayo on January 13th to see the neurologist and hopefully I can address these concerns with him. He's really nice!

And just in case you're praying about these things, you can pray also for my family in Georgia. Things are like crazy-town down there, as my grandmother and step-grandmother both have cancer and are going through treatment. Grandma Ann is having some REALLY annoying difficulties with medical errors after her surgery, and Grandmother will have her surgery soon after Christmas. My dad will fly down to help them out for a few days.

Thanks for checking back with me!
Love
Elizabeth

More waiting.

Hi friends and family!

So, this was supposed to be the crazy, decision making week. And you know what? It turns out that it isn't.

I went to the endocrinologist, and stopped prozac. He thought I was crazy, but that just means he doesn't know how to help :)

Then I went to the cardiologist and he was very sweet. He's been my doctor for a while now, and he tries so hard to help, but technically my problems are not his area of expertise. So he tried his best, but nothing really changed.

Then I went to see if I could get my wisdom teeth out. And I can, but now I'll need to just hold off until next spring or something because I won't have time this winter.

I called the Mayo on wednesday to check when my neuro appointment was because I never got my scanner code in the mail. And they said it never got scheduled, which is totally weird! So I had to reschedule for the 13th of Janurary.

And then I went to the other appointment on thursday, and my doctor decided instead of an ultrasound, she wanted to do a different procedure instead. So she canceled my appointment for today (friday) and scheduled the other one for december 17th, which is two weeks from now.

I'm not disappointed because I think the new test will be better anyways. I don't mind waiting either. But it's interesting how things change in an instant, isn't it? One minute you think this is the weekend when you will have to make a decision, then the next day you realize you can't even begin to do so for two weeks.

Well, that's all I've got for you for now! Please keep praying, especially for my mom, because I think all this anticipation is hard for her.

Love Eli