A rant

I guess it's not much of a rant. It's more of a expression of frustration and confusion.

Now that I'm home and separated from the turmoil, things get a little harder and a little easier.

Do I just forgive and forget now? Or do I hold them accountable? Sometimes I get angry and cry and want to yell at them, sometimes I want to forgive them and show them mercy, because I know it's a hard situation. I don't know what the Lord would have me do, and He's pretty set on me waiting to find out, so I guess that's the answer for now.

It hurts to wonder if I can ever be "normal" again. One time, someone promised that she would love me even if I was never the same, but that didn't work out since she isn't the Lord.

I want to go outside. I want to play with kids. I want to stand up for more than five minutes at a time. I can't even walk around the block anymore without needing a break.

I ask my Father to step in, but like I said, we're playing a waiting game. And that hurts me.

Many times, I ask Him to just take me home rather than having me walk this road. I'm sure many of you have felt that, too.

It was the Cardio guy that set me off. He told me that he can't help me more than he is and that I should see a pain clinic to manage the rest. It makes me so sad that I can't fix things because I feel like the worse I get, the more my friends distance their selves. I know it's hard for them, I know. I don't hold it against them. But it still hurts.

Hopefully, some one soon will tell me how to stop the postural orthostatic stuff and I can be a normal person again...

But until then, what can I do but wait?