the third day

Well, I guess I have some choices to make...

I had some appointments yesterday- infectious disease (for africa problems), a blood test and another test for a hormone secreting tumor, a repeat MRI because my last one showed a problem in my pituitary gland, a headache specialist, an eeg (for epilepsy), and then I went back to my original doctor.

There are still two tests processing... the other MRI and the hormone test. I also have test on monday to see if I have hormone problems going on.

Basically, when I met with the doctor again, he said "I give up! It's not your fault, it's ours. We should just treat the POTS and then everything else may work out. We can just give it some time." So there's really nothing else I can do to figure out what is going on.

I have to decide whether I can logistically go back to school or what the next move is. I'm thinking as of now that I will A. pray really, really hard that one of those last test will show the problem and B. ask him to do some other things of my own investigation because I can't really just wait it out... I need to know!

So it's frustrating even though I know God is doing something. I just wish He would tell one of my doctors what He's doing because then I could have a diagnosis.

That's all for day three though! Only one day left.

the second day!

Not much to tell today, but I'm not allowed to sleep tonight so they can test for seizures. So... that's interesting. I saw a postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome guy today and it was frustrating. He gave me the "eat salt, drink water, exercise, raise the head of your bed" speech. I have some more tests to go, but it looks like I will be back around next wednesday or so unless something extreme happens in the next day or two.

I'm not too sure how I feel about it... I was hoping they would tell me stuff I didn't already know. But hopefully there is something else still waiting to be discovered.

Tomorrow I have six appointments, so you never know.

Update numero uno

Hello friends! This is your update about what I know so far.

I met with my doctor this morning and he was super nice. He said he didn't know what was going on, but he scheduled me like a million appointments in the next two days... which is good because they are trying really hard to help me!

All the staff here are abnormally nice. They are all helpful, friendly and really caring.

I had some blood tests and an autonomic test today (previous diagnosis was dysautonomia- specially p.o.t.s, but the neurologist said he wasn't sure).

So it was really embarrassing but really helpful... during my tilt test (they make you stand up) my heart started racing, I started crying five minutes in, got sweaty confused and my blood pressure dropped and i couldn't walk straight or breathe and they had to help me walk out of the testing place.

This is a good thing because this happened all the time to emily and I in the dorms (where she'd see it and and have to help me) but we could never replicate it or explain it to the doctors. So now they saw it for themselves and they have it all on record THANK THE LORD!

But it was super embarrassing. It always is!

That's all for now!

what I've learned this month

This is from a book I've been reading. They are addressing things that cause conflict in relationships:

"A refusal to understand"

First Thess. 5:14 recognizes that to be at peace with everyone, we are called to understand their true hearts. Paul instructs his readers to respond to people as they really are at the heart level: And we urge you brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone." Paul describes how three types of individuals, all with different kinds of heart issues, are to be treated. (...) our love looks different as it is expressed to various people.

Women aren't always who they seem to be. What would happen if we seriously misunderstood someone? Suppose we helped a stressed out, overwhelmed woman who was actually idle? She would be encouraged to remain idle [quick insert from me: earlier the author describes how she has been idle by needing organization and being overwhelmed only because things did not go exactly as she had planned and she disliked being off-track]. What would happen if we encouraged a weak woman- even one who had not acknowledged she needed or wanted our help? She would remain weak, and probably grow discouraged because she would still continue to lack the resources she needed to solve her problems. What would happen if we warned a timid woman- even though she actually looked like she confidently "had it all together"? We would only increase her fear. Great harm occurs when we refuse to understand who a person is and respond appropriately."

-Tara Barthel and Judy Dabler

I feel this is a very, very, very important lesson for those of us acting as leaders, or even in friendships. I have felt it myself as I was continually warned and rebuked when in my heart I was fearful and timid and it made things so much worse. I know I've done this to dear friends before, too. Destroying them on accident, trying to help them when I never addressed the true problem. Sometimes I am just so quick to judge that I don't push further than the surface.

I've seen it in myself a lot when I try to help and encourage everyone- even girls who know they are being idle. I've witnessed so many destructive choices that I encouraged hurt my girls to the core of their hearts. Knowing that by encouraging their idolatry of whatever (most of the time it's school work, boys, or business) I am being disobedient definitely puts a new perspective on my responses.

Please friends, seek to know the heart. With Jesus who knows all hearts living in us, it may not be as hard as it seems.

I like this picture. It says so much to me, with the waves and the lines of the dancer and the wind blowing... When I was younger, I used to think about Solomon a lot. I used to think about what I would ask for if God came to me, like he did to Solomon, and say I could have whatever I wanted. I suppose it was about a four year span of time (it's longer than you think) that I knew in my heart, and fully admitted in childlike innocence, that I would ask to be the best dancer in the world. I would have given pretty much anything to be able to pose like the girl in this picture.

A passion He gave me twisted into the thought that mastering a talent would make me so happy. There are still times when I wish I could dance really well.

I've been thinking a lot about the lies I listen to. The lies we all subscribe to. It breaks my heart to pieces to watch little girls killing themselves to be skinny, or spending every spare moment working to get their feet to point the right way, turn out the right way, ashamed of the passion if they can't be the best. It's so sad. So sad to think we're all wasting our years "breeding spotted mice" as AW Tozer would say. The only question is, what am I doing now? What is my heart's most fervent desire? If God came to me, what would I ask for?

favorite conversation everrrr

"I'm sad tonight." I said to a dear friend.

"Oh dear, what shall we do about that?" she replied.

"I just don't know. I wish I could make sense of everything. I wish people didn't hate me. I wish I could just start over."

"Not all people hate you. Probably very few people hate you! Maybe you need a vacation?"

"I am on vacation! I don't think anyone hates me, I just wish people would think better of my intentions."

"The important people know the truth."

"I know God knows. I just wish I could know. I wish they would believe in me. Do you ever wonder if it was just a big mistake to follow Jesus?"

"Yes I do. Kind of alot actually." She accented her statement with a smiley face to empathize with my dilemma.

"The only thing that holds me here is remembering how things used to be. I can't live on my own. But I feel like things are just so hard all the time."

"I hate that it's hard, I don't understand it." She says, sadly.

"Life will always be hard regardless of who we're living for," I reasoned. "It just confuses me that the Lord's plan is so destructive to me. I don't feel ready for it. I wish His plan was more loving and encouraging than soul destroying and painful."

"I am positive that His plan is loving in a way we do not see," her answer rings through my head.

"But why does everyone have to reject me? Why do I have to be alone? I wasn't ready and I've barely made it. It doesn't seem good to me."

"Well... when Jesus was beaten, rejected, and alone on Calvary it probably didn't seem like a loving plan either. But we know it was the most loving plan ever." She is always very down to earth. A wise girl.

"Yeah, it just hurts. I feel like that's all that is in store for me. Pain and rejection."

"Well I know the feeling. But I know you have hope for the rest of the plan or you would turn from Jesus right now," she stated very plainly.

"Well, I can't help it. I don't know why it's there. But it is. For some reason deep in my heart through the hurt, I think I'll get through this alive. Don't you feel it too?"

"Yeah I do... it drives me nuts!" She finished. I smiled and thought through the conclusion we had come to. The bible says the Spirit testifies with our spirits that we are His children. There really is no other way. I follow Jesus. Through unbearable pain and sorrows I walk as best I can in obedience, just like He did thousands of years ago. It'll all be okay in the end. It will all be okay soon. Soon, we shall see Him.

A rant

I guess it's not much of a rant. It's more of a expression of frustration and confusion.

Now that I'm home and separated from the turmoil, things get a little harder and a little easier.

Do I just forgive and forget now? Or do I hold them accountable? Sometimes I get angry and cry and want to yell at them, sometimes I want to forgive them and show them mercy, because I know it's a hard situation. I don't know what the Lord would have me do, and He's pretty set on me waiting to find out, so I guess that's the answer for now.

It hurts to wonder if I can ever be "normal" again. One time, someone promised that she would love me even if I was never the same, but that didn't work out since she isn't the Lord.

I want to go outside. I want to play with kids. I want to stand up for more than five minutes at a time. I can't even walk around the block anymore without needing a break.

I ask my Father to step in, but like I said, we're playing a waiting game. And that hurts me.

Many times, I ask Him to just take me home rather than having me walk this road. I'm sure many of you have felt that, too.

It was the Cardio guy that set me off. He told me that he can't help me more than he is and that I should see a pain clinic to manage the rest. It makes me so sad that I can't fix things because I feel like the worse I get, the more my friends distance their selves. I know it's hard for them, I know. I don't hold it against them. But it still hurts.

Hopefully, some one soon will tell me how to stop the postural orthostatic stuff and I can be a normal person again...

But until then, what can I do but wait?