A rant

I guess it's not much of a rant. It's more of a expression of frustration and confusion.

Now that I'm home and separated from the turmoil, things get a little harder and a little easier.

Do I just forgive and forget now? Or do I hold them accountable? Sometimes I get angry and cry and want to yell at them, sometimes I want to forgive them and show them mercy, because I know it's a hard situation. I don't know what the Lord would have me do, and He's pretty set on me waiting to find out, so I guess that's the answer for now.

It hurts to wonder if I can ever be "normal" again. One time, someone promised that she would love me even if I was never the same, but that didn't work out since she isn't the Lord.

I want to go outside. I want to play with kids. I want to stand up for more than five minutes at a time. I can't even walk around the block anymore without needing a break.

I ask my Father to step in, but like I said, we're playing a waiting game. And that hurts me.

Many times, I ask Him to just take me home rather than having me walk this road. I'm sure many of you have felt that, too.

It was the Cardio guy that set me off. He told me that he can't help me more than he is and that I should see a pain clinic to manage the rest. It makes me so sad that I can't fix things because I feel like the worse I get, the more my friends distance their selves. I know it's hard for them, I know. I don't hold it against them. But it still hurts.

Hopefully, some one soon will tell me how to stop the postural orthostatic stuff and I can be a normal person again...

But until then, what can I do but wait?

identity

Wow, three posts in one week? It's spring break, folks.

Anyways, sometimes I just like to document things in here. It makes them permanent, you know? Fully realized or something. It feels like things are complete when they have been written down. So here's something I've been learning.

I've been learning how to stand up for myself. I've never known how. They skipped that lesson at New Life, most likely because we were all so cocky and sometimes argumentative, it never seemed necessary. But I really lost out on that one, to the point where abusive relationships are all I seem to encounter. And why? Because I can't say "stop, please"? That's not even the case. It's believing in my own discernment, understanding the things the Lord has given me. "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness." That's really cool.

So when I think I should set boundaries, when I say no, I shouldn't let myself be talked out of it. I should trust my judgment. I can stand up for who I am in Christ, and when people tell me I am lacking and discriminate against me, I can point to 2nd peter 1:3 and it will be the truth.

But all of this is completely useless if one aspect is lost:
I can stand up for myself till kingdom come, I can say that I'm perfect in Jesus, I can push all the responsibility of sin onto my human nature and excuse it,
HOWEVER,
until I learn that standing up for myself means admitting when I am wrong, it's only self-righteousness and pride. And that isn't of the Lord, that's just ugly sin masking itself in Christian-y words.

I can say that I am perfect through Jesus, and that's true. But if I excuse my actions, the ones that are completely human, because of His righteousness, the Lord will not be pleased. After all, He wants a broken and contrite heart in exchange for our sins. Praise God He forgives, but if nothing changes in me, how can I claim to have the spirit of Him?

This is the most important thing I learned this year. Just like Jesus, sometimes you stand for justice the best when you give up everything.

another poem!

This one is mine, I'm afraid to admit... don't judge too harshly?

“With much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more the knowledge the more the grief.” Ecclesiastes 1:18

I sought discernment, Lord You answered,
You brought understanding to where I was lacking.
I sought wisdom, Lord You were faithful,
The things of life, I came to know

Then why did I ache so; why did I cry?
Why did my heart itself wring in agony?
“Surely wisdom is a wonderful weight,
A burden in its being,” said I, a fool.

I cried to you, O God my Father
For in this wisdom, I became perplexed.
The head and the heart did not hold steady-
A wasted, wanting hollow shell; meaningless.

Condemned was I, though not divinely,
But through new knowledge of my nature.
I asked for what I did not understand,
For I was not equipped to see as You see.

I see sin and death and dirt
A weak and wandering soul, destined to destruction-
Beaten and crushed, sinful and sick
More pleased with evil and pleasure than righteousness.

Despised, was I, by my own being, my soul,
For how shall I see Your glory and look upon man?
In the presence of purity, how I tremble;
How I fall on my face in shame.

I see that I am not at all acceptable; not a worthy sacrifice.
Blameless, You call for; innocent and perfect,
Not a sinner as I am, unrepentant, oblivious…
Even in your forgiveness, I do not measure up.

Surely the teacher was correct in saying
That grief and knowledge are allies.
Inseparable to the core, devices not meant for me.
Was it not so since the beginning of time?

With wisdom comes the knowledge,
The acquaintance with my insufficiency.
And when grounded in self-ambition,
It is more than I can bear.

I see now that You have been calling-
pushing purposefully and persistently
Telling me timeless truths, clothed in hope
just as You have done for all the earth inexorably.

Wisdom in itself was not only meaningless
But destructive in my hands,
The house on the sand of myself is destroyed.
There is nothing left of my life ---

But, wait, what is this? What is this solid stone?
The one that was sent to crush me and did;
It has become so much more-
The foundation is strong! It has been all along!

I can only conclude in such a statement as this:
Wisdom without heart is just a near miss.

The stone is a reference to Luke 20:17-18. Oh yeah, I called it "salvation stone", in case you were wondering.

a poem

Somebody told me this. I thought it was neat. So I thought I'd share it with you. I'm full of stuff other people say. I don't mind :) Although technically, it's what they heard from the Lord.

No more tears now, my daughter
For I will lift you up
You can trust in me alone
And I will fight for you.
But you must let me do so.
You have to let me reign.
You say you trust me, but you prostitute yourself-
You go to everyone but Me.
I’m teaching you. I alone can repair your garden.
I alone can feed your hunger for love.
I alone will reverse your deep sadness
And you cannot rely on others to do My job.
I delight in this job.
I love perfecting my masterpieces, and I will do it at any cost.
I don’t want to hurt you, but your Father must correct.
I must help you learn to fight, for you are unskilled.
I am preparing you for great things.
Don’t fear this time alone.
For you are never alone.
The One who saves, the One who loves, the One who burns for you is here.
I have always been here. I will always be here.
You just have to come to me.
Please, child, my dear daughter, the one whom I knit together,
Come to me,
For I love you.
And I alone can save you.

It was written after a time of great sorrow, after many months of crying out to the Lord. Apparently, this was when the person turned the corner, finally came back to Jesus after feeding pigs for a while, if you know what I mean. If you've ever read Judges, I'd call this a time of "apostasy"- A cycle where the humans abandon the Father and then God lets them be attacked, they cry to the Lord to save them and He does, regardless of the fact that they never ever deserve His mercy. Cool, right? A God who is more interested in saving us than condemning us. Our God is an awesome God!

Insights from Mary

Mary the counselor, that is.

I started seeing Mary the counselor three weeks ago. She is a wonderful woman, clearly in love with the Lord and filled with the spirit. She wanted to help me fight my Lochness monster (see Lauren's blog for details) and was very encouraging. In this world where most people are pushing me to "be better" or "grow" or whatnot, she's building me up and encouraging me. She's like the cheerleader of my spiritual walk! It's awesome! I go there crying and beaten down and she reminds me of my identity, how the Lord works and how I am a child of the Light. I think everyone could use some counseling.

One thing she said was super cool, and I wanted to share it with you. I told her how I felt pressured to fix all the sin in my life at once, like everything surfaced at the same time and I was having trouble managing it all. I wanted to fix all the problems, but I was clearly overwhelmed.

She said, "Elizabeth, this is the way I think God works:

If there’s a basket full of all your stuff, your insecurities, weaknesses, lies and hardships, the Lord wants to address them. He will take one out and say, “Elizabeth, this is not okay. It’s not from me. We need to get rid of this,” And help you through it. That doesn’t mean the rest of the basket is true. It doesn’t mean you have to deal with the entire basket at once. It just means He is showing you something you need to deal with."

The devil works in chaos and lies, telling you that if one is true, all is true, and that you can’t be effective until it’s all gone. He will throw you in a whirlwind of hurt, trying to fool you into thinking that is the way to be healed. The Lord brings peace. He’s patient. The devil (and yourself) will bring confusion and lies and break you down. The Lord will fill what he has emptied."

And I thought that was neat and deserved to be shared. What's up in your basket?

embracing accusations

He's forgotten the refrain:

Jesus saves!

my favorite childhood story

Hello Friends! Happy February to you all.

I was just pondering something about myself this week. I know most of you know that I love the Lord and commit my life to follow Him, but I'm not sure the majority of you know why I decided to do this. I've heard many, many guesses throughout the years. Things like "you were raised that way" or "the western culture has bewitched you" or "you had some stupid personal experience that every other person in every other religion has and therefore think your way is the correct one", ect.

Well, I thought I would document my decision process in a condensed manner in case you have ever wondered (or just have the free time to read my thoughts).

I was indeed raised in a Christian home and a western culture. I'm pretty sure that ever since the moment my parents and grandparents knew I was alive they prayed for me and told me about God and Jesus. For serious... I don't know if I could have been raised in a more faith-based manner.

So, it might come as no surprise to you that I was very young when I knew that I did bad, disobedient stuff and that I wanted Jesus to help me be better. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was about five, completely of my own free will (my parents wanted me to wait until I was old enough to understand, and I said no).

I continued on in the Christian religion learning stories and verses and doctrine and all of these inconsequential things. I knew I had "Jesus in my heart" and that He was supposed to help me not do bad things anymore, but that was really it. I lived for myself. I lived with my own selfish ambition. I tried to make my accomplishments good enough to base my identity on, but I was never good enough at anything. I didn't have awesome grades. I wasn't an awesome dancer (and believe me, that was my heart's desire). I wasn't "popular" or whatever. So basically, I thought I was a total failure and was terribly sad that I couldn't do anything right.

So finally, in my state of brokenness and selfish pity, I got involved with a group in my church that told me something I hadn't heard yet. I could have a personal relationship with God- as in He would relate directly to me, Elizabeth, and I with Him. I was caught off guard. They told me that my life was no longer mine, and by living to accomplish things that society values, like grades and dance and beauty, I was seeking my own advancement and looking for worth in things that were worthless and that I never would be the best in anyways because that’s how the world works (as in, even if I was the best dancer in the world, someone would come along and be better eventually). I was floored.

Needless to say, putting my self-value in the things the Lord did through me rather than things I tried to do on my own was refreshing. No more weight on my back to be perfect, hallelujah! And THAT is when I truly committed to following the Lord of the bible and letting Him be my strength in hard times when I feel like I always fail. That was not so very long ago- about 9th grade.

I still struggle with this very much; the idea of giving control of my life and mind to something I can't see or touch is hard to grasp. It wasn't until this year when I really started understood what faith looked like. But it was well worth every moment I took to seek the truth.

So there you go. That was a small snippet in a major process of giving my life to a higher power. To me, that is the most important moment in my life, and I just wanted to share it with anyone who cared to know.