an update

Hello friends and family,

I wanted to tell you how things have been lately. Things, as always, have been good and bad at the same time.

The good: I'm still signed up for classes, and although I will probably drop one because I don't think my heart could handle full-time classes, it looks like I will try to go. I went to Mayo and they did a certain kind of test where they look inside me for anything wrong with a camera on a rope! It wasn't terribly pleasant, but it only hurt a bit and I'm not traumatized, so yay! They didn't see anything, so that's good too. I've been feeling alright lately, as long as I only do one thing a day and give myself time to rest.

The not as good: I am a bit frustrated that the docs down at mayo don't have more options for me. I was actually hoping the test would show something so I could get going on being better. But as it turns out, they don't know why it's happening and they don't have a non-invasive way to fix it. This makes me sad sometimes, because I wish there was some treatment we could at least attempt so I would feel like we are doing something.

Another not as good thing is that I'm still having trouble gaining weight. This is one of the most frustrating parts because I try so hard, but usually it's one step forward and two steps back. I'm scared I will diminish into nothing before they can figure out why nothing sticks to me! :-/ I had to buy my first pair of 00 jeans the other day (and while they were a great deal and are really nice) there were a lot of tears because I can't believe it's come to this.


I think that's all the happy-crappies I have for now ;-)

I go back to mayo on January 13th to see the neurologist and hopefully I can address these concerns with him. He's really nice!

And just in case you're praying about these things, you can pray also for my family in Georgia. Things are like crazy-town down there, as my grandmother and step-grandmother both have cancer and are going through treatment. Grandma Ann is having some REALLY annoying difficulties with medical errors after her surgery, and Grandmother will have her surgery soon after Christmas. My dad will fly down to help them out for a few days.

Thanks for checking back with me!
Love
Elizabeth

More waiting.

Hi friends and family!

So, this was supposed to be the crazy, decision making week. And you know what? It turns out that it isn't.

I went to the endocrinologist, and stopped prozac. He thought I was crazy, but that just means he doesn't know how to help :)

Then I went to the cardiologist and he was very sweet. He's been my doctor for a while now, and he tries so hard to help, but technically my problems are not his area of expertise. So he tried his best, but nothing really changed.

Then I went to see if I could get my wisdom teeth out. And I can, but now I'll need to just hold off until next spring or something because I won't have time this winter.

I called the Mayo on wednesday to check when my neuro appointment was because I never got my scanner code in the mail. And they said it never got scheduled, which is totally weird! So I had to reschedule for the 13th of Janurary.

And then I went to the other appointment on thursday, and my doctor decided instead of an ultrasound, she wanted to do a different procedure instead. So she canceled my appointment for today (friday) and scheduled the other one for december 17th, which is two weeks from now.

I'm not disappointed because I think the new test will be better anyways. I don't mind waiting either. But it's interesting how things change in an instant, isn't it? One minute you think this is the weekend when you will have to make a decision, then the next day you realize you can't even begin to do so for two weeks.

Well, that's all I've got for you for now! Please keep praying, especially for my mom, because I think all this anticipation is hard for her.

Love Eli

Just another update

Hello friends!

I know you all know I'm going back for more tests soon, but I thought I would give you the schedule, just so you can't say that I never tell anyone anything!!!

So. Monday, I see my cardiologist in St. Paul. I don't think it'll be much of an appointment. Usually, he just tells me that he doesn't know how to help me and then I leave :)

Tuesday, I see my endocrinologist in St. Paul. Since I totally freaked out at him last time (because I was on the crazy medicine) it might be interesting. I'm hoping he will let me go off Prozac, because I don't like it. It gives me insomnia and makes me hyper-active/emotional/weird. But last time I started crying, I pretty much yelled at him, and I begged him to help me, so I'm not sure he'll be in favor of this. We'll see.

Wednesday, I go to the dentist. Yay! I love clean teeth. I will see if I can get my wisdom teeth out this Christmas. Not a big procedure, but because of all the medication and heart and blood pressure and nervous system issues, it complicates things a bit. So... we'll see.

Thursday I go back to Rochester. I see my neurologist from Mayo again to follow up on my progress. Since I still have a ton of chest pain and I've started to see flashes of light in my eyes all the time, this may or may not lead to more tests. I may have to do some eye tests, but most likely we'll just put it on the back burner. The chest pain will be a bigger problem. I may need to have some more tests done to see if I am having muscle spasms in my chest, or maybe have another echo-cardiogram. But, I really won't know till I get there. We'll see... ;)

The next day I see my...eh, fun doctor.... again. They gave me some meds that were supposed to help me with this part of my condition and told me if it did not control the problem, there was probably something else going on. It totally didn't do anything. The problem has gotten even worse since I left. Sooooooooooo that means I get fun ultrasounds and other related tests to see if they can figure out what the heck is going on. I figure this aspect of my appointments at mayo will take the most time. The ultra sound is on friday.

And then, on wednesday of the next week, I go back to my poor, overwhelmed, scared General Physician, who has no idea what to do with me. She was the one who gave me the crazy meds.

So! All in all a crazy week. Hopefully they will find the heart of my problem and get it the heck out of my body!!

But as my neurologist says, "We can diagnose, but only the Lord heals."

And at least at mayo, odds are they won't tell me I'm crazy!

I'll try to write more if we get any answers. Or if I decide about what to do for next semester.

I am thankful for every single one of you!
Love
Eli

I can't believe it's november!

Can you? Where has the time gone?

Well, I don't have much to update you about except that I have signed up again for classes in Eau Claire. Things have been going really well lately, and there are times when I feel completely normal again! There are also times when I don't feel better, but I figure, if that's as good as it's going to get, why not at least try to take classes? So. I'm registered. It's not a for sure thing yet.

I see my doctor at the mayo clinic in December. I don't think there is anything else he can do to help me. But it's about a month from now. I'm also seeing another doctor and having a test done, just for funsies! :) They are super sweet people in Rochester, so I'm not worried!

I have my marathon of Doctors appointments before long here... they all seem to come at once.

I love my new counselor. She's great! I miss my girls at school :)

I'll let you know if anything else comes up!

update

Hi friends!

Things here are going alright. I like being home still and I know it was the right choice. I am going to a fun new church with my dear friend Natalie and that's always wonderful. The preacher's awesome and they are loving and warm as a church family.

I guess there's nothing terribly new to note... I'm still trying to get better but I can't seem to do it! :) I was superuberfreakin sick for the last two weeks, like a zillion times worse than before, but I'm pretty sure it's a new medication they gave me causing the problem. I stopped taking it and started a new one and things are not awesome but they are much more tolerable most of the time.

I met with a new doc and he didn't know anything about POTS so he wasn't very helpful. And because I had insane insomnia from that medication I hadn't slept in like two weeks and I kinda freaked out at him. So he decided to put me of the medicine that I asked him to put me on and it was a bit disappointing because I wanted to see him so I could be careful about taking it, but he didn't seem to even think twice.

Counseling has been great of course! I like the new lady! And all the other things I have done to help are maybe helping? I can't really tell. But whatever I guess! We'll see! As long as I never have to take Tramadol again, I'm good. That stuff is straight up poison. Yuck.

I've been wanting to get out to EC soon, but I haven't been able to because I was too sick to go anywhere and I didn't want to be stranded in Eau Claire if I needed my doctors.

Anyways. Things are... welll..... they just are.

A battle

In my mind, there's a battle. It didn't always rage like it has recently, but I think it's always been there... I'm one of those people. One who think very deeply about my heart motives. One who really find the deep, deep parts of souls the most interesting. I can't seem to get past it sometimes. I can't just make a set of steps to reach a goal. I get stuck in the "deep thinking" section, analyzing my emotions and the emotions of others. It's a really scary place to be if you don't know how to navigate it. And I have found out that I really, really, really don't know how to navigate it.

I am so stuck in understanding mode right now that I feel as if I cannot proceed. It feels as if steps to the end goal can't be made until I understand how the deep soul processes of all the world can be laid out. So I'm idling. Making time pass with interesting, but totally meaningless things.

I know that being eternally-minded means that I need to do both. I need to be able to find a path and go with it while understanding and considering souls.

It bothers me that I can't do this. But I don't understand how to fix it. I get too stuck in my mind which feels like a whirlpool of philosophy and puzzles and humanity and doctrine. I try to consider what Jesus would do, but I can't form a practical solution. Or I am very impractical in my solutions and then when they fail I am still very lost.

I get stuck on boundaries mostly. Grace vs mercy vs love vs justice? Holiness vs purity? Satan vs God? Honoring and respecting elders vs obeying the Lord? Accountability vs not causing dissension? I feel like all of these huge issues that I will NEVER understand are constantly blocking my ability to be free. They are confusing. And our Father is not a father of confusion.

If you are reading, you can pray that I will understand how to fix this problem and how to be free. Because it is for freedom Christ set us free, and I don't want to waste one more moment being a slave to my own silly mind.

and the end of the story

Well folks, nothing really came up! I do have to take antibiotics for nine months and see a doctor every month and go back to two doctors in three months, but basically, we have no clue about what's up.

So now, I'm trying to decide whether school will be too much for me or not this semester...

however, it's good news for you guys since that means you wouldn't have gotten tb from me :) I have no sign of active infection, just the positive test that I am infected... but that doesn't mean too much. Just that they will keep an eye on me!

whatevs, I'd hold HIV positive orphans tomorrow if I could

This was quite the amusing day!

All my tests were negative, except that my TB test came back positive! So... yay? Maybe that gives us some answers.

So what does that mean? It means that at some point I was exposed to TB, presumably in Ghana, Honduras, or Panama, and my body made antibodies against the infection.

I suppose it is within the realm of possibility that I was infected in Honduras (which is eighth on the list of "most tuberculosis burdened nations") because I got some sort of bronchitis in December of my freshman year of college and they said on the X ray there was a nodule on my lung. This is reminiscent of TB for sure! But it went away with antibiotics.

It is not unusual for TB to reoccur in other organs of the body if it was not treated thoroughly when the infection presented. If I do have TB, it is somewhere other than my lungs, and could be causing all my problems!

Although if I do have TB, I'm pretty sure all hell breaks loose. The CDC comes. I get quarantined. Everyone I have ever known gets tested for it. Could be very messy.

And if I do have TB somewhere in my body, it is very hard to cure. I'd be on antibiotics for like, ever. But I guess better than never knowing?

But like I said. When this is over, I'm so going back to hold the beautiful, adorable, tuberculosis-harboring orphans. They were awesome.

Elizabeth

well...

Hello friends and family! Thanks for tracking with me! I know you are all praying and it means alot.

Tomorrow I go back for my last test, but I plan on asking for more if that one proves to be inconclusive. Let's pray pray PRAY that it will be the one to show something... it's the easiest one to fix! And the safest!

Still processing what the safest decision post-mayo is if they can't figure it out either. Not sure if school is the best choice, but I also can't really hold a job at this point. So... we're still praying. If it were up to me and my wisdom (HA!) I would hope that these last two test show something because otherwise I have absolutely no clue how to proceed.

Some people have commented that it must be scary or hard because nothing is set in stone. However, I am actually not scared of not knowing... I am just scared of never knowing because it's so hard for others to understand. Me and God have gone through some intense learning about His justice and methods of healing, and now we're just working on letting Him do that for the friends who have to deal with this problem by extension.

So! You can pray real hard on your knees tonight that the test are positive that they have run!! And you can also pray that I will have wisdom in how I deal with the problem and how to help others deal with my problem without hiding it.

Love you all!

Elizabeth

the third day

Well, I guess I have some choices to make...

I had some appointments yesterday- infectious disease (for africa problems), a blood test and another test for a hormone secreting tumor, a repeat MRI because my last one showed a problem in my pituitary gland, a headache specialist, an eeg (for epilepsy), and then I went back to my original doctor.

There are still two tests processing... the other MRI and the hormone test. I also have test on monday to see if I have hormone problems going on.

Basically, when I met with the doctor again, he said "I give up! It's not your fault, it's ours. We should just treat the POTS and then everything else may work out. We can just give it some time." So there's really nothing else I can do to figure out what is going on.

I have to decide whether I can logistically go back to school or what the next move is. I'm thinking as of now that I will A. pray really, really hard that one of those last test will show the problem and B. ask him to do some other things of my own investigation because I can't really just wait it out... I need to know!

So it's frustrating even though I know God is doing something. I just wish He would tell one of my doctors what He's doing because then I could have a diagnosis.

That's all for day three though! Only one day left.

the second day!

Not much to tell today, but I'm not allowed to sleep tonight so they can test for seizures. So... that's interesting. I saw a postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome guy today and it was frustrating. He gave me the "eat salt, drink water, exercise, raise the head of your bed" speech. I have some more tests to go, but it looks like I will be back around next wednesday or so unless something extreme happens in the next day or two.

I'm not too sure how I feel about it... I was hoping they would tell me stuff I didn't already know. But hopefully there is something else still waiting to be discovered.

Tomorrow I have six appointments, so you never know.

Update numero uno

Hello friends! This is your update about what I know so far.

I met with my doctor this morning and he was super nice. He said he didn't know what was going on, but he scheduled me like a million appointments in the next two days... which is good because they are trying really hard to help me!

All the staff here are abnormally nice. They are all helpful, friendly and really caring.

I had some blood tests and an autonomic test today (previous diagnosis was dysautonomia- specially p.o.t.s, but the neurologist said he wasn't sure).

So it was really embarrassing but really helpful... during my tilt test (they make you stand up) my heart started racing, I started crying five minutes in, got sweaty confused and my blood pressure dropped and i couldn't walk straight or breathe and they had to help me walk out of the testing place.

This is a good thing because this happened all the time to emily and I in the dorms (where she'd see it and and have to help me) but we could never replicate it or explain it to the doctors. So now they saw it for themselves and they have it all on record THANK THE LORD!

But it was super embarrassing. It always is!

That's all for now!

what I've learned this month

This is from a book I've been reading. They are addressing things that cause conflict in relationships:

"A refusal to understand"

First Thess. 5:14 recognizes that to be at peace with everyone, we are called to understand their true hearts. Paul instructs his readers to respond to people as they really are at the heart level: And we urge you brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone." Paul describes how three types of individuals, all with different kinds of heart issues, are to be treated. (...) our love looks different as it is expressed to various people.

Women aren't always who they seem to be. What would happen if we seriously misunderstood someone? Suppose we helped a stressed out, overwhelmed woman who was actually idle? She would be encouraged to remain idle [quick insert from me: earlier the author describes how she has been idle by needing organization and being overwhelmed only because things did not go exactly as she had planned and she disliked being off-track]. What would happen if we encouraged a weak woman- even one who had not acknowledged she needed or wanted our help? She would remain weak, and probably grow discouraged because she would still continue to lack the resources she needed to solve her problems. What would happen if we warned a timid woman- even though she actually looked like she confidently "had it all together"? We would only increase her fear. Great harm occurs when we refuse to understand who a person is and respond appropriately."

-Tara Barthel and Judy Dabler

I feel this is a very, very, very important lesson for those of us acting as leaders, or even in friendships. I have felt it myself as I was continually warned and rebuked when in my heart I was fearful and timid and it made things so much worse. I know I've done this to dear friends before, too. Destroying them on accident, trying to help them when I never addressed the true problem. Sometimes I am just so quick to judge that I don't push further than the surface.

I've seen it in myself a lot when I try to help and encourage everyone- even girls who know they are being idle. I've witnessed so many destructive choices that I encouraged hurt my girls to the core of their hearts. Knowing that by encouraging their idolatry of whatever (most of the time it's school work, boys, or business) I am being disobedient definitely puts a new perspective on my responses.

Please friends, seek to know the heart. With Jesus who knows all hearts living in us, it may not be as hard as it seems.

I like this picture. It says so much to me, with the waves and the lines of the dancer and the wind blowing... When I was younger, I used to think about Solomon a lot. I used to think about what I would ask for if God came to me, like he did to Solomon, and say I could have whatever I wanted. I suppose it was about a four year span of time (it's longer than you think) that I knew in my heart, and fully admitted in childlike innocence, that I would ask to be the best dancer in the world. I would have given pretty much anything to be able to pose like the girl in this picture.

A passion He gave me twisted into the thought that mastering a talent would make me so happy. There are still times when I wish I could dance really well.

I've been thinking a lot about the lies I listen to. The lies we all subscribe to. It breaks my heart to pieces to watch little girls killing themselves to be skinny, or spending every spare moment working to get their feet to point the right way, turn out the right way, ashamed of the passion if they can't be the best. It's so sad. So sad to think we're all wasting our years "breeding spotted mice" as AW Tozer would say. The only question is, what am I doing now? What is my heart's most fervent desire? If God came to me, what would I ask for?

favorite conversation everrrr

"I'm sad tonight." I said to a dear friend.

"Oh dear, what shall we do about that?" she replied.

"I just don't know. I wish I could make sense of everything. I wish people didn't hate me. I wish I could just start over."

"Not all people hate you. Probably very few people hate you! Maybe you need a vacation?"

"I am on vacation! I don't think anyone hates me, I just wish people would think better of my intentions."

"The important people know the truth."

"I know God knows. I just wish I could know. I wish they would believe in me. Do you ever wonder if it was just a big mistake to follow Jesus?"

"Yes I do. Kind of alot actually." She accented her statement with a smiley face to empathize with my dilemma.

"The only thing that holds me here is remembering how things used to be. I can't live on my own. But I feel like things are just so hard all the time."

"I hate that it's hard, I don't understand it." She says, sadly.

"Life will always be hard regardless of who we're living for," I reasoned. "It just confuses me that the Lord's plan is so destructive to me. I don't feel ready for it. I wish His plan was more loving and encouraging than soul destroying and painful."

"I am positive that His plan is loving in a way we do not see," her answer rings through my head.

"But why does everyone have to reject me? Why do I have to be alone? I wasn't ready and I've barely made it. It doesn't seem good to me."

"Well... when Jesus was beaten, rejected, and alone on Calvary it probably didn't seem like a loving plan either. But we know it was the most loving plan ever." She is always very down to earth. A wise girl.

"Yeah, it just hurts. I feel like that's all that is in store for me. Pain and rejection."

"Well I know the feeling. But I know you have hope for the rest of the plan or you would turn from Jesus right now," she stated very plainly.

"Well, I can't help it. I don't know why it's there. But it is. For some reason deep in my heart through the hurt, I think I'll get through this alive. Don't you feel it too?"

"Yeah I do... it drives me nuts!" She finished. I smiled and thought through the conclusion we had come to. The bible says the Spirit testifies with our spirits that we are His children. There really is no other way. I follow Jesus. Through unbearable pain and sorrows I walk as best I can in obedience, just like He did thousands of years ago. It'll all be okay in the end. It will all be okay soon. Soon, we shall see Him.

A rant

I guess it's not much of a rant. It's more of a expression of frustration and confusion.

Now that I'm home and separated from the turmoil, things get a little harder and a little easier.

Do I just forgive and forget now? Or do I hold them accountable? Sometimes I get angry and cry and want to yell at them, sometimes I want to forgive them and show them mercy, because I know it's a hard situation. I don't know what the Lord would have me do, and He's pretty set on me waiting to find out, so I guess that's the answer for now.

It hurts to wonder if I can ever be "normal" again. One time, someone promised that she would love me even if I was never the same, but that didn't work out since she isn't the Lord.

I want to go outside. I want to play with kids. I want to stand up for more than five minutes at a time. I can't even walk around the block anymore without needing a break.

I ask my Father to step in, but like I said, we're playing a waiting game. And that hurts me.

Many times, I ask Him to just take me home rather than having me walk this road. I'm sure many of you have felt that, too.

It was the Cardio guy that set me off. He told me that he can't help me more than he is and that I should see a pain clinic to manage the rest. It makes me so sad that I can't fix things because I feel like the worse I get, the more my friends distance their selves. I know it's hard for them, I know. I don't hold it against them. But it still hurts.

Hopefully, some one soon will tell me how to stop the postural orthostatic stuff and I can be a normal person again...

But until then, what can I do but wait?

identity

Wow, three posts in one week? It's spring break, folks.

Anyways, sometimes I just like to document things in here. It makes them permanent, you know? Fully realized or something. It feels like things are complete when they have been written down. So here's something I've been learning.

I've been learning how to stand up for myself. I've never known how. They skipped that lesson at New Life, most likely because we were all so cocky and sometimes argumentative, it never seemed necessary. But I really lost out on that one, to the point where abusive relationships are all I seem to encounter. And why? Because I can't say "stop, please"? That's not even the case. It's believing in my own discernment, understanding the things the Lord has given me. "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness." That's really cool.

So when I think I should set boundaries, when I say no, I shouldn't let myself be talked out of it. I should trust my judgment. I can stand up for who I am in Christ, and when people tell me I am lacking and discriminate against me, I can point to 2nd peter 1:3 and it will be the truth.

But all of this is completely useless if one aspect is lost:
I can stand up for myself till kingdom come, I can say that I'm perfect in Jesus, I can push all the responsibility of sin onto my human nature and excuse it,
HOWEVER,
until I learn that standing up for myself means admitting when I am wrong, it's only self-righteousness and pride. And that isn't of the Lord, that's just ugly sin masking itself in Christian-y words.

I can say that I am perfect through Jesus, and that's true. But if I excuse my actions, the ones that are completely human, because of His righteousness, the Lord will not be pleased. After all, He wants a broken and contrite heart in exchange for our sins. Praise God He forgives, but if nothing changes in me, how can I claim to have the spirit of Him?

This is the most important thing I learned this year. Just like Jesus, sometimes you stand for justice the best when you give up everything.

another poem!

This one is mine, I'm afraid to admit... don't judge too harshly?

“With much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more the knowledge the more the grief.” Ecclesiastes 1:18

I sought discernment, Lord You answered,
You brought understanding to where I was lacking.
I sought wisdom, Lord You were faithful,
The things of life, I came to know

Then why did I ache so; why did I cry?
Why did my heart itself wring in agony?
“Surely wisdom is a wonderful weight,
A burden in its being,” said I, a fool.

I cried to you, O God my Father
For in this wisdom, I became perplexed.
The head and the heart did not hold steady-
A wasted, wanting hollow shell; meaningless.

Condemned was I, though not divinely,
But through new knowledge of my nature.
I asked for what I did not understand,
For I was not equipped to see as You see.

I see sin and death and dirt
A weak and wandering soul, destined to destruction-
Beaten and crushed, sinful and sick
More pleased with evil and pleasure than righteousness.

Despised, was I, by my own being, my soul,
For how shall I see Your glory and look upon man?
In the presence of purity, how I tremble;
How I fall on my face in shame.

I see that I am not at all acceptable; not a worthy sacrifice.
Blameless, You call for; innocent and perfect,
Not a sinner as I am, unrepentant, oblivious…
Even in your forgiveness, I do not measure up.

Surely the teacher was correct in saying
That grief and knowledge are allies.
Inseparable to the core, devices not meant for me.
Was it not so since the beginning of time?

With wisdom comes the knowledge,
The acquaintance with my insufficiency.
And when grounded in self-ambition,
It is more than I can bear.

I see now that You have been calling-
pushing purposefully and persistently
Telling me timeless truths, clothed in hope
just as You have done for all the earth inexorably.

Wisdom in itself was not only meaningless
But destructive in my hands,
The house on the sand of myself is destroyed.
There is nothing left of my life ---

But, wait, what is this? What is this solid stone?
The one that was sent to crush me and did;
It has become so much more-
The foundation is strong! It has been all along!

I can only conclude in such a statement as this:
Wisdom without heart is just a near miss.

The stone is a reference to Luke 20:17-18. Oh yeah, I called it "salvation stone", in case you were wondering.

a poem

Somebody told me this. I thought it was neat. So I thought I'd share it with you. I'm full of stuff other people say. I don't mind :) Although technically, it's what they heard from the Lord.

No more tears now, my daughter
For I will lift you up
You can trust in me alone
And I will fight for you.
But you must let me do so.
You have to let me reign.
You say you trust me, but you prostitute yourself-
You go to everyone but Me.
I’m teaching you. I alone can repair your garden.
I alone can feed your hunger for love.
I alone will reverse your deep sadness
And you cannot rely on others to do My job.
I delight in this job.
I love perfecting my masterpieces, and I will do it at any cost.
I don’t want to hurt you, but your Father must correct.
I must help you learn to fight, for you are unskilled.
I am preparing you for great things.
Don’t fear this time alone.
For you are never alone.
The One who saves, the One who loves, the One who burns for you is here.
I have always been here. I will always be here.
You just have to come to me.
Please, child, my dear daughter, the one whom I knit together,
Come to me,
For I love you.
And I alone can save you.

It was written after a time of great sorrow, after many months of crying out to the Lord. Apparently, this was when the person turned the corner, finally came back to Jesus after feeding pigs for a while, if you know what I mean. If you've ever read Judges, I'd call this a time of "apostasy"- A cycle where the humans abandon the Father and then God lets them be attacked, they cry to the Lord to save them and He does, regardless of the fact that they never ever deserve His mercy. Cool, right? A God who is more interested in saving us than condemning us. Our God is an awesome God!

Insights from Mary

Mary the counselor, that is.

I started seeing Mary the counselor three weeks ago. She is a wonderful woman, clearly in love with the Lord and filled with the spirit. She wanted to help me fight my Lochness monster (see Lauren's blog for details) and was very encouraging. In this world where most people are pushing me to "be better" or "grow" or whatnot, she's building me up and encouraging me. She's like the cheerleader of my spiritual walk! It's awesome! I go there crying and beaten down and she reminds me of my identity, how the Lord works and how I am a child of the Light. I think everyone could use some counseling.

One thing she said was super cool, and I wanted to share it with you. I told her how I felt pressured to fix all the sin in my life at once, like everything surfaced at the same time and I was having trouble managing it all. I wanted to fix all the problems, but I was clearly overwhelmed.

She said, "Elizabeth, this is the way I think God works:

If there’s a basket full of all your stuff, your insecurities, weaknesses, lies and hardships, the Lord wants to address them. He will take one out and say, “Elizabeth, this is not okay. It’s not from me. We need to get rid of this,” And help you through it. That doesn’t mean the rest of the basket is true. It doesn’t mean you have to deal with the entire basket at once. It just means He is showing you something you need to deal with."

The devil works in chaos and lies, telling you that if one is true, all is true, and that you can’t be effective until it’s all gone. He will throw you in a whirlwind of hurt, trying to fool you into thinking that is the way to be healed. The Lord brings peace. He’s patient. The devil (and yourself) will bring confusion and lies and break you down. The Lord will fill what he has emptied."

And I thought that was neat and deserved to be shared. What's up in your basket?

embracing accusations

He's forgotten the refrain:

Jesus saves!

my favorite childhood story

Hello Friends! Happy February to you all.

I was just pondering something about myself this week. I know most of you know that I love the Lord and commit my life to follow Him, but I'm not sure the majority of you know why I decided to do this. I've heard many, many guesses throughout the years. Things like "you were raised that way" or "the western culture has bewitched you" or "you had some stupid personal experience that every other person in every other religion has and therefore think your way is the correct one", ect.

Well, I thought I would document my decision process in a condensed manner in case you have ever wondered (or just have the free time to read my thoughts).

I was indeed raised in a Christian home and a western culture. I'm pretty sure that ever since the moment my parents and grandparents knew I was alive they prayed for me and told me about God and Jesus. For serious... I don't know if I could have been raised in a more faith-based manner.

So, it might come as no surprise to you that I was very young when I knew that I did bad, disobedient stuff and that I wanted Jesus to help me be better. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was about five, completely of my own free will (my parents wanted me to wait until I was old enough to understand, and I said no).

I continued on in the Christian religion learning stories and verses and doctrine and all of these inconsequential things. I knew I had "Jesus in my heart" and that He was supposed to help me not do bad things anymore, but that was really it. I lived for myself. I lived with my own selfish ambition. I tried to make my accomplishments good enough to base my identity on, but I was never good enough at anything. I didn't have awesome grades. I wasn't an awesome dancer (and believe me, that was my heart's desire). I wasn't "popular" or whatever. So basically, I thought I was a total failure and was terribly sad that I couldn't do anything right.

So finally, in my state of brokenness and selfish pity, I got involved with a group in my church that told me something I hadn't heard yet. I could have a personal relationship with God- as in He would relate directly to me, Elizabeth, and I with Him. I was caught off guard. They told me that my life was no longer mine, and by living to accomplish things that society values, like grades and dance and beauty, I was seeking my own advancement and looking for worth in things that were worthless and that I never would be the best in anyways because that’s how the world works (as in, even if I was the best dancer in the world, someone would come along and be better eventually). I was floored.

Needless to say, putting my self-value in the things the Lord did through me rather than things I tried to do on my own was refreshing. No more weight on my back to be perfect, hallelujah! And THAT is when I truly committed to following the Lord of the bible and letting Him be my strength in hard times when I feel like I always fail. That was not so very long ago- about 9th grade.

I still struggle with this very much; the idea of giving control of my life and mind to something I can't see or touch is hard to grasp. It wasn't until this year when I really started understood what faith looked like. But it was well worth every moment I took to seek the truth.

So there you go. That was a small snippet in a major process of giving my life to a higher power. To me, that is the most important moment in my life, and I just wanted to share it with anyone who cared to know.

How I know the Lord loves me

I hadn't recorded this specific time I felt the Lord yet, so I decided to do that so you all can see it! It was actually a while ago when this happened. It seems so inconsequential, but it meant so much to me. Here's what happened:

For communications, I had to give a final speech. I received an extension because of my heart problem, but when the night before my speech came, I was still pretty sick. I struggled to finish it and I had to practice it laying down. I was scared I wouldn't be able to get up the next day.

It was definitely a struggle to get up in the morning. I was supposed to dress up and I knew I just didn't have the stregnth to be super cute....

BUT THEN!

I walked own to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and viola!

my hair was curled.

That may sound weird to you, but it was for real, like perfectly curling iron curled. And I had gone to bed the previous night with wet hair.

So I gave my speech, got an A, and from it was all just dandy. Why bring this up now?

The past few weeks, I've been really, really struggling to keep commitments, do my homework, or really do anything but lay in bed. After all the miracles I saw last semester, you'd think I would think of those. I mean, for goodness sake, I saw an angel and seven girls came to know Christ! But the one that sticks with me is the curled hair. It really puts a new meaning to that verse about the lilies-

"And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!"

He cared enough to curl my hair. One person out of billions... one organism out of everything on this planet, and He curled my hair for me. He loves me :)

and for the record

This set up confuses me. I click things and it goes somewhere else. I'm following my own blog? How did that happen? When does it stop happening? How did I become so technologically ignorant? All this and more on squall...

Tired

So, this is my first post. Obviously. I started this blog to chronicle the crazy things that happen in Eau Claire so my dear sisters could keep up with me, but also for myself so I can remember the wonderful things the Lord has done. He has been so faithful this last semester.

The subject of my first post?

I'm tired.

Really tired. So tired that my body desires rest like I crave highly caffeinated coffee. So tired that I am considering not returning this semester because I am scared of the exhaustion that school entails.

One might assume that this "fatigue", so to speak, is coming from my newly developed heart condition, but I don't think that is the case. I've done everything the doctors have told me too, but it's not going away.

I keep accidentally crossing this verse in my bible:

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I assume this is a hint. "They will walk and not faint" has taken significantly more meaning in my life. But I just am not seeing it. He will give strength to the weary... those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength... even the part about His understanding- I believe. And Father, I am so weary. I need renewal. But as long as I've been waiting (which I suppose in perspective is not so long, but it feels like it) I haven't really received it. I still faint. Literally, faint. Even my soul needs strengthening.

But if there is one thing I've learned from a semester full of spiritual warfare, seeing angels and demons, finding two new sisters in Christ, multiple signs of the Lord's favor of our ministry, and actually hearing the voice of the Lord a few times, waiting is sometimes the most precious gift. But for real, Lord, if you're reading this blog, hear my cry- please give me strength.